Monday, February 1, 2016

What's Your Biggest Regret?

I thought this video was interesting. There are so many quotes about regretting not doing something versus doing something and I think there's a lot of truth to that.

I've been thinking a lot about who I am and who I want to be. It's the nature of heartache I think. You can't be deeply hurt by someone and remain unchanged. Wounds will eventually heal and scar tissue will grow over previously tender places, but it never really leaves you. I refuse to be defined by the events that have happened to me though. What is more important is how I grow. How I learn. If I can find the strength to let go. To be kind. These are the things that matter to me most.

I can't control the world. I can only control myself.

Someone recently told me that I say "yes" to situations they would never to yes to. It made me think a lot about what that might mean to someone. Why it was seen as a negative trait. I think the fact I am willing to take chances is an admirable quality. Life is a wondrous, and sometimes cruel, gift that I can't help but revel in. Each moment has woven itself into this marvelous tapestry that has taken me to this very instant. How amazing is it that a complete stranger can become a person you can't imagine living without? How heartbreaking is it that that same exact person can then become a stranger again?

It's pure magic.

Everyday we take chances. Everyday we put our faith in people and situations for no rational reason. No one lives a life without saying "yes." To use a few specific choices a person has made in the past in order to judge them disregards the complexity and beauty of living. I have said "yes" to things I've regretted. Of course. I've put my faith in people who ultimately hurt me. But more than that, I have lived. I have experienced moments I never thought possible. I have loved people who I never thought I could love. I have made so many stupid decisions that sometimes I feel like I am going to be crushed under the weight of regret, but by god I tried. I tried and tried and tried.

And I don't regret that.
“Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes'.” 
                                                                                         ― Stephen Colbert
A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for. I may always play the long odds, but I'm okay with my choices. I'm okay being a person who says "yes," even when people can't understand it. I am someone who is vulnerable and brave and I am proud of that. If my recent struggles have taught me anything it's that I am more than okay with going all in, even to walk away with nothing, because it isn't worth anything otherwise.

If you were to list your biggest regret what would it be? Is it too late to change things? I like to think it's never too late.

Say "yes." It's worth it. I promise.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Fall back in love eventually

One of my all time favorites. It sounds like the end of something and the beginning of something at the same time.

We're only young and naive still
We require certain skills
The mood it changes like the wind
Hard to control when it begins

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Can't help myself but count the flaws
Claw my way out through these walls
One temporary escape
Feel it start to permeate

We lie beneath the stars at night
Our hands gripping each other tight
You keep my secrets hope to die
Promises, swear them to the sky

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

As it withers
Brittle it shakes
Can you whisper
As it crumbles and breaks
As you shiver
Count up all your mistakes
Pair of forgivers
Let go before it's too late
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
Can you whisper

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Tuesday, January 26, 2016


Is there anything cuter than tiny dinosaurs and skeletons? If there is, I'm just not sure.

Tinysaurs is an etsy shop that creates small (as in two inch) models you get to assemble yourself. They also sell cute little glass domes. The small models would make a great gift or if you're like me, a good desk adornment.

These things are so cute I'm dying. I want them all. I'm really torn on the plesiosaur or the Medusa. Maybe I'll get one for me and one for Holden.

GNOT: Live Largely

“I have always lived violently, drunk hugely, eaten too much or not at all, slept around the clock or missed two nights sleep, worked too long and too hard in glory, or slobbed for a time in utter laziness. I’ve lifted, pulled, chopped, climbed, made love with joy and taken my hangovers as a consequence, not as a punishment.”
                                                                                   — John Steinbeck

Monday, January 25, 2016

I'm done

"Someone" wrote me a really nasty comment today. I'm conflicted about whether or not I should address it. I have been blogging for a very long time at this point and I have experienced every type of comment a person can experience (I used to blog about politics). People often think they know you because they see an intimate side of you through this sort of platform, but they forget that a lot is hidden as well. I get to craft the image I share with you. This has never been denied, but it is often forgotten.

I don't pretend that what I am sharing with you is the "truth." It's not. I don't have access to any objective truth that is THE REAL AND ONE TRUTH any more than anyone else. I only know what I experience. What I remember. What I feel. My version of reality is colored by my assumptions, hopes, fears, and everything else. Just like you. Just like all of us.

That's why books like A Game of Thrones are so interesting. We get to see how everyone is a little right and a little wrong about each situation. "Good" and "bad" are more complicated than we like to think. Sometimes we try our hardest to do the right thing and we still hurt people or let them down. It's just the nature of living.

Anyways, I wrote this long post about it because it was obviously from someone involved somehow in the situation, but as I'm reading those words I just feel...tired.

I don't want to do this anymore.

Yes, deep down I do think he manipulated me. I think he wasn't ready to let go so he said what he needed to say to keep me around. But maybe he was scared. Maybe he was unsure. Maybe he really really really wanted it to work. Part of me doesn't want to accept that. I think if he wanted it to work it would have. He let fear grip his heart and doubt poison his thoughts. But you know what, I let insecurity poison mine.

He's not a monster.

I'm not a saint.

He is just a man who doesn't love me. I am not the first woman to fall in love with the wrong person. We're not the first people to fall in love at the wrong time. It just is. Yes it hurts. It hurts more than anything has ever hurt, but that doesn't mean I should choose pettiness and drag him through the mud to make myself feel better.

Because I don't feel better.

I still love someone who loves someone else. None of my words or righteous indignation have changed that. I'm still alone, sitting in my room with a hole in my heart crying into my keyboard. I think sometimes if I ruin every good memory that I will feel okay. That it will be easier to move on. But there are memories I don't want to ruin.

The memory of him crying and telling me he never felt like someone cared enough about him to fight for him is precious to me. No matter how it's been twisted and discarded for him, for me it is the epitome of the quality of my love. That I could make him feel safe and wanted and loved. That he knew, if only for a single moment, how special and important he was to me. I don't want to give that up.

I remember the time I made him soup. It was such a small thing but I remember him wanting to take a picture because he was full of pride and love. He wanted people to know that there was this woman, this strange and exciting woman, who cared for him and loved him too.

I remember our children playing together and Holden trying to read to Freya. Jasper asking is he was friends with them now or if the robot I bought him for Christmas was a "girl robot." (It was actually.)

I remember the time we made those planetariums. I got way too inebriated and he had to help me because I couldn't even line the stickers up. All I could do was giggle and watch tv as he so perfectly folded every part. We were like kids and I'm not sure I can ever use it again without thinking of him. Or the last time we touched.

There are so many memories.

And they're beautiful. If that's all I have left then I don't want to taint them. I don't want to use what's left of our affections to just keep hurting each other over and over again. It just makes what I lost that much worse.

I don't want to dig a hole so deep that we can never climb out of it. That all we have left are the scars we've inflicted on one another.

Maybe it's already too late for that. Maybe I will never forgive him and he will never forgive me. It's my nature to hope though. Or as he would say, I'm cautiously optimistic in life. I don't want my love to be something ugly and cruel, even if it sometimes feels deserved. That is when I want to be the most forgiving. What is it I am even hoping for? For him to feel the way I do? I would never want to do that to someone. Ever.

So I'm done.

If you're reading this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted. I'm sorry we couldn't find a way to make it work. I'm sorry for the cruel words. I'm sorry you couldn't trust in me or in us. I'm sorry for it all. I hope you find a little peace today.

We could all use a little peace.